Jaw snaps
Bones crack
My mind falls back

You can't understand until
you've lived it first hand

I'd like to see
you try and stand once
                     agony lands
The demand?

To be calm 
To be hushed and plush
and trust 
that you won't crush it all to dust

They say that in order to be soft 
you must learn
how to turn 
to stone first

I bend until I break
I break and then I burst 
Am I cursed?
Forced to rebuild my person
over and
over and
over and
 over a  nd
  ov er an d
   o ve r  a nd
    ov er  an  d

my eyes and my throat burn
My hands turn
desperate to keep my skin from harm
but my face is still blurred

Court is adjourned
and guess what?
My punishment was to return

Rage

           Panic 

                       Envy

                                   Shame

I forgot my name and
sink into the shallow self that remains
Nothing's the same
The flow's been changed
            
 And it's                I've betrayed
                myself 

But I still choose to stay?
To continue to decay?
Is this fate?

Actually
no questions
it's too late
I already buried the escape 
The getaway train's been delayed
oil and gas drained

You simply can't relate
mouth agape 
"How could she act this way?"
To you 
its just desolation cosplayed
                            
             For God's sake

Forgotten and awake
my stomach churns
rumbling with hornets and snakes
I repeat 
It's too late

I'm one with the crowd
     watching myself
   hit the ground with
       my legs bound
In the distance I hear a healed
"she'll come around 
and when that time comes
I'll be proud"

Until then
I have nothing more to say out loud

So please just leave me to drown 
                                    in my misery
                                          for now

I said goodbye and let you go

Erased by time 

black and white show

You just adapted too slow
I   needed           to                 grow

You haunt me 
still
I know

Especially when I’m alone

Exponential growth 

led to befriending 
the 
      undertow

But resentment burns

so bright it glows
no matter how deep you float 

You fell 

           and fell 

                      and fell

after a
tired self love 
was sewn

but your crows
still follow me home

Even though

I said goodbye 


and let you go